Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in kamikazeian92's LiveJournal:

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Monday, May 11th, 2009
4:33 am	Feeling Called Love Yikes! I think it's finally broken beyond repair. Like scrap-able even, insert into junkyard. I've always been told I'm better at taking things apart than putting them back together, I suppose this serves as reinforcement to that notion. I didn't really go about this in a graceful manner, as I do not usually disassemble things in a methodical or rational way. As much as I want to be proud of the job I've done; to witness the slow transformation from rock to sand, it's rather disheartening to know that the 'end' was always imminent. I have a nagging tendency to underestimate my utter disdain for endings, whether or not they be sloppy or natural. I could go as far as to say some things never end and if so, I'd be just as quick to point out that they never started either. I've always hated when something is taken away after the fact, I believe that if you were going to give me the time of day, it would have happened long ago. I remain as optimistic as one can whilst facing uncertainty and detachment on every level. Who knows what will happen or where I will be a day, a month, or a year from now? There is no distinction between battles and wars, just a difference in damage. Good thing I'm headed home for the foreseeable future, bye bye VA! Current Mood: awake (drown this city)
Monday, May 4th, 2009
6:43 pm	Rock Bottom Ya'll Life as I know it is over. Current Mood: disappointed (drown this city)
Sunday, April 19th, 2009
7:26 pm	You Like Baseball... Sigh I wish I had kissed you goodbye... Hope I find another opportunity to do so *fingers crossed* Current Mood: happy (drown this city)
Monday, March 30th, 2009
4:42 am	Unacceptable! It's never easy doing the right thing. It usually feels all awkward and forced, I think that this weekend was full of that. Sure responsibility was exhibited on my part but it feels weird but I don't know if I ever want to be responsible if it this is what it translates into. Oh well, I'm excited for the week. Current Mood: tired (drown this city)
Sunday, February 22nd, 2009
10:51 pm	Scene from Jane Street OK so every time I drink too much coffee I start to feel really hopeless and melancholy. I'm not really sure why my mind plays tricks on me when I'm super caffeinated but this has merely reinforced my belief in downers of all kinds. Java aside, life has been interesting lately... I got a job at my school newspaper to write music reviews which is pretty rad. I'm really excited and scared at the same time cause I want to make a good impression and hope people like my writing. I'm trying pretty hard in school too, I've only missed two classes this semester, I really need to do well cause I'm already gonna be graduating 2 years later than expected so I don't really have much leeway these days. I'm about to ask for a raise at my job because I think it's time they give me more money cause I've been working at the coffee shop now for almost 2 years. I'm going home in 2 weeks and I'm really excited cause I haven't been back to Mass for like almost 6 months and it's really bothering me. I will be heading up there with my good pal Mike and will be stopping at Bard University on the way. I have never been there before but I'm excited cause I've heard a lot of good things. I will probably be living in Fairfax this summer so I wanna make the best of my time home aka sex, drugs, and rock n roll. Oh and I turn 22 on the 13th, which is great and all except for the fact that my fucking license expires and I have about to pay about 2 grand in unpaid parking tickets in order to renew it. Looks like I'll be getting a liquor license.. ew! I've been doing a lot of organizing with SDS too and that has been nice but very stressful. I've learned over the last year or so and I hope to achieve success in the near future. It'd be really awesome to occupy a building at GMU a la New School or NYU, but I have a feeling the school would call in the national fucking guard or the FBI and have us blown up or something! Anyhow the fact that students are rising up and making their demands heard is quite exciting and motivating, I just don't know if Mason students care enough to stand up for their rights as students. Apathy seems to be our biggest foe as of right now both within the chapter and in the student body.. sigh. I'm gonna wrap this post up and just say that I'm happy with how my life is right now but I really wonder if the stress and sense of lingering disappointment is something to even regard. Doing stuff such as organizing, barista-ing, going to class, and writing has really helped me move along from the heart-ache of days past. I have found myself strangely content with single-ness but I wouldn't mind someone sweeping me off my feet too. I tend to over-analyze situations and this causes me to go on and on but if you have to this point than I have to thank you cause this shit has been epic. OK well hope things are good w/ everyone... Current Mood: confused (drown this city)
Saturday, January 3rd, 2009
3:53 am	I'm gonna kick, kick, kick yr door down! I am feeling so fucking nostalgic right now for middle school. Yes the SIXTH thru EIGHTH grades and at the time I didn't realize how young we all were. I saw some pictures and they look MAD old so yeah now i feel all grown up (even though i don't really act much older than i was then)! Anyhow life is wonderful lately cause I feel like I've reached some sort of peace of mind on a day to day basis. It's almost like I've been able to bottle up that trippin-balls esque optimism and insight. It's been decidedly nice considering I've been able to transcend my idealistic walls and change the shit around me. This being said I feel as though 2009 is starting off on the right foot (as opposed to left) in that both my new years eve and the semi-drunken dreams that followed were both confusing, intriguing, and hectic all at the same time. I was visited by a spirit from Voudoun (Lwa) in my dream and this was followed by some really horrible scenes of animals and small children (!) dieing and shit. Needless to say it was very confusing but rather comforting (no i'm not planning on blowing up a preschool or animal shelter lol). I saw my anthro teacher from last semester at Saxbys today and told him about it, needless to say he probably thought i was crazy but oh well. Have a nice 2009 everybody! http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/c/ce/Ogum.jpg or maybe... Current Mood: wired (drown this city)
Friday, December 19th, 2008
1:43 am	Disengaged even when I'm with you, I'm alone. Is there really any point for me to expect greatness? There really isn't any level ground and because of this I'm in a corner. The only real constant in life is change, and change I cannot. I'm sorry my irrationality doesn't suit yr fancy. I wanna give up but I can't. Is it worth it to live and suffer?? I'm proud of my life and who I am but even if I don't disappoint you, I'll do it to myself. Sorry everyone for these bullshit emo posts, but I'm really frightened by the fact I can't find level ground =( The highs are so high and the lows are so low. Most people seem to be able to keep a level head but for me it's one or the other. So I'd be lying if I said I'd never be happy, but in the end I feel like I do this to myself, which is really more heartbreaking than anything else. Current Mood: Alone (2 cliched new years | drown this city)
Tuesday, December 16th, 2008
2:11 am	And.... I Don't Mind Waiting As ecstatic/curious/anxious/ as I feel right now, I can't help but wonder why there is nobody like you (not that I've met).... Nobody who makes me feel so alive and excited like I was a kid again. This is certainly unexpected but I feel like it's make or break really, at this point at least. Perhaps this will blow up in my fucking face, which of course is very likely, but either way I'm just really happy to feel so in love again. Being so off-kilter and negative most of the time (in respect to love and the subtle nuances it entails) I feel both wide-eyed and foolish at the same time. Presumably happiness is what we live for so I can only hope that I'm not the only one that feels this way. wooowwww Current Mood: giggly (drown this city)
Friday, November 7th, 2008
5:29 am	mmmmmuuuuummmmmm There is a special place in heaven for Radicals. Contrary to popular belief. And Even though I can finally see the stars... I'm surrounded by fucking idiots! But really though, I'm 'mad' excited and you don't even know, at all. I'd really like to see everything all at once, but that'd be impossible. Until than I can live with the satisfaction that my eyes are seeing something... New So conservatives are all scared and shit these days. HA! (drown this city)
Wednesday, June 25th, 2008
3:04 am	So I've decided rather than focus attention on individuals, it's best to keep an eye on the structures and general institutions which these morons buy into. I've pinpointed a few things in which I see as the greatest liabilities in our day and age. 1. Irony - While I don't feel that any ironic situation is deserving of scorn, I do believe that it's use in certain contexts can be infinitely detrimental to our generation. One example in particular would fall under the category of the prevailing (or played-out, depending on how you look at it) 'Indie' Culture. Under the false pre-text of ironic hipsterdom, our generation will continue to alienate disenfranchised and marginalized groups of people simply for 'kicks'. Once long ago I truly believed that an established sense of identity for the Generation Y would lead to great things and true change but at this point I feel that every facet of our world and 'individuality' isn't really concerned with that. Due to the copycat tendencies of human beings, truth has been diluted and sold back to us in the form of irony. Perhaps intentions are good, but for the most part motherfuckers don't understand what they are doing. With an ironic 'counterculture' built upon the foundations of post-modern thought, comes a subtle degradation of values*. If you don't believe me, please by all means go to yr local church or mall and take a tally of every dumb shit who seems to be enamored by the "indie" lifestyle. What I see is a load of shit and I'm tired of the constant commodification of anything that strays from cookie-cutter traditionalism. Hate should not hold hands with Irony! *please note that by values I'm not focusing in on a loss of "moral" values but rather the values of true radical thought with regards to progress 2. Sarcasm - The use of sarcasm as a means of communication is intrinscally linked with this arguments as well. Sarcasm is merely the lowest form of wit and embodies the verbal form of ironic behavior. True genius seeks to uplift everyone rather than hold one down. So I will continue this post at a later date, once more research has been done. Current Mood: Sleepy (drown this city)
Tuesday, June 3rd, 2008
2:47 am	nuff these cookie cutter houses i think the one thing we all chase after is a feeling of belonging. Being a part of something bigger than ourselves. I feel as though i've somehow ducked and dodged any real posibilyt of actually being part of an actual "community". It makes me wonder if moving around a lot has set me up for failure (in the sense of not being anywhere long enough to truly understand it) anyhow the rationale for this was brought upon by the very real fact that I will be back in mass really soon. no matter what I want to see people i haven't seen in awhile. sometimes i don't have the slightest clue as to why i left home?? Current Mood: bored (1 cliched new year | drown this city)
Wednesday, May 21st, 2008
10:10 pm	life is repetitive these days i work a good amount and sleep even more i've come to the decision that it takes about 2(and a half) to 3 years until everyone you know is able to see through the bullshit and fascade. at this point they will either prove to be a valuable friend or will turn on you with the slightest of ease. i feel like an alien these days. i don't understand a goddamn thing about what makes human beings tick. we are irrational and cold. the process of work and general human relations seem to dictate a "what have you done for me lately?" mentality. it's a constant upward (or downward, depending on how you look at it) process of give and take. Whereas it the foundations of these human relations should be built upon general care and concern, they are instead built upon lofty expectations and spoiled ambitions. i'm tired of the status quo, at least that regarding emotion, practice, and contribution. because no one really cares and as far as i'm concerned, there's no point in expecting anything out of anyone! the battle will rage on Current Mood: blah (1 cliched new year | drown this city)
Tuesday, March 4th, 2008
3:33 am	yr so vain things change and life is long if you want it to be control or be controlled, that's how it appears you fall apart and i put you back together confused about confusion, you'll ingest a cure dreams take care of what reality can't so be at peace... i know how hard it can be to feel content you've always found a sense of security in the chaos well if that's what you want than please wish some more write the words that right the wrongs take pleasure and revel in excitement at the moments out of hand i said things happen for a reason, you begged to differ and when in the end there is no rhyme, you just have to look beyond the lines if we could read minds this wouldn't be as fun though merely situated in the eye of the storm, i've never been more steady ready to embrace the only constant in my life farewell to you and all those goddamn flood waters Current Mood: optimistic (drown this city)
Wednesday, February 27th, 2008
10:48 pm	Yeah I think it's alright, We're together now there is no one for anyone. no matter what you do or convince yourself of, you will always be alone. a false sense of security is rampant in our world. people will get uncomfortable when confronted with this reality simply because humans are fucking stupid! don't convince otherwise plz n thx i'm so burnt out. (6 cliched new years | drown this city)
Saturday, February 23rd, 2008
7:00 am	I am nothing but I will be everything! oh my fucking god. wahat does it take? right now i'm exhausted and i'm happy for everyone. that said i'm not all that content even though things are relatively steady. i shall try not to analyze things too much but i'm feeling rather stressed with this and that. i can't beleive you are so grounded on concrete decisions, i feel alone in my convictions. anyhow it's almost spring time and that means the birth of new things. eye opening moments are a great reason to wake up. the meaning of life is to live it so i shall move foward. i should probably try to stick with my intuition this time around sooo perhaps i will grasp just awesome things COULD be... too much bullshit i don't care to dwell on yet i find myself stuck on it. i hate drama especially when it's implied. we all want to be happy but sometimes people get walked all over and feel like assholes. that's why we walk for miles hoping to rid ourselves of the guilt. some things can't be controlled but what good is power anyway? I HOPE YR HAPPY! Current Mood: exhausted (drown this city)
Friday, February 8th, 2008
4:27 pm	damn ok so i really need to stop having such a big mouth. i think everyone i know knows each other so in the last few days everyone i have talked to has yelled at me for running my mouth about one thing or another. sorry everyone i'm just not really that cool. Current Mood: disappointed (drown this city)
Tuesday, February 5th, 2008
11:24 pm	handy is watching me soo it would be wicked cool if you were mine for valentine's day =X perhaps this is wishful thinking, but i'm sky high these days and you're to blame! school has kicked in and so far it ain't that bad. i've decided i'm not moving out this semester. i may transfer to school in richmond, where i had an amazing fucking time this past weekend. there is more of a 'community' there and i feel more comfortable amongst it than i ever have in 'funfax'. i will be returning home to boston by way of new york at some point in march. i will be turning 21 so that should be fun. i know which bar i will be at on that particular day as a matter of fact. if you know well enough you should know which one and you can come get shitfaced with me. nothing else to say. Current Mood: blah (1 cliched new year | drown this city)
Tuesday, January 29th, 2008
11:35 pm	meow meow meow big eyes telling another person how you feel about them can be really hard there is no certain reaction there are no definites either there is akward silence leading to unraveled thought process nothing is set in stone. the stage is set for flying to the moon or an abrupt end to the story (one which I ironically would find quite amusing in some cheap flick). Even then there remains an endless grey in between triumph and woe. as much as i'd like to read minds, i'm sure that would leave no room for sudden suprise or darkening dismay. today is the first of the year for me. tomorrow is right now. yesterday can come along if need be.... Current Mood: sniffly (1 cliched new year | drown this city)
Sunday, November 4th, 2007
3:10 pm	i'm on fire lately i've been thinking about what we subconsciously strive to know (and unlearn) within our daily lives. to know is to have a sense of security and from an existential standpoint i feel as though the age-old argument of 'fate vs. choice' will always permeate the critical minds of our generation. In regards to this argument though, i've been thinking we as humans have forgotten the relativity of of time and our place in it. time can be argued to be quite an arbitrary function of organization and possible placation. to think we live within a creation of the human mind immeadiatly raises red flags as to whether our realities and decisions made within them are really our own. now take for example the creation of the wheel, an obvious step in the human expressive need for moving foward. today this wheel has been fowarded into transport within the realm of rugged individualism, the ability called by some to "have your own manifest destiny"... now to bring this fate v. choice argument back around, i'd like to present the image of a road, with the duel purpose of being a simple man-made, decision-derived slab of tar / or / symbolically posing as time, with seemingly no end or beginning, but nonetheless a straight line taking us somewhere we don't know. now while we chose to and have the ultimate ability to create such things as roads, wheels, cars, etc. we must think about the fact that in order for us do this, it must be possible aka there must be potential. but we ourselves cannot create nor destroy potential (well maybe destroy in some abstract sense) so i am wondering if we really actually have any control over the possibilities in this seemingly "user-controlled" life. so combining choice with fate is somewhat of a conclusion i've come to. but in terms of this so-called road we live on, the choice comes down to which lane we want to be in. but thats really just lateral movement as opposed to moving fowards or backwards. this given span wouold be time itself. sure we can be in the passing lane or the slow lane, but that comes down to whether or not there is potential to be in one or the other, we ourselves cannot control that. this leads me to my next point and it relates to actions in accordance to outcomes. while i personally beleive fate plays a huge role in ways we may never comprehend, i beleive that completely discounting analytical process as it relates to outcomes would be completely ignorant of me. in regards to these choices we have, i must first delve into an important facet to the previous statement. that would be "we" as it plays an important role in the complexities of decision making and influence. now traditionally when we think about fate vs. choice most people take one side or another. i have increasingly tended to see choice making from a larger viewpoint, i would call it somewhat of a "dna" or "chain" complex where as the human population ( 8 billion and growing) is a body of individuals with everyone making choices every millisecond of every day, every where. now it may seem quite wild to think that the seemingly insignificance of it would never possibly have any affect on me or anyone i know, but i beleive it does. the chain aspect of this theory of mine is what drives yr day and mine, basically we determine our lives. one small decision makes one small outcome, makes another, sparks a chain reaction that will go through the world changing the minute facets of life, for better or worse (but usually not clearly evident at first). and how convenient that the "fate" of yr decision could ultimately come back to haunt you (i.e. karma) or bless another. it should be known that i did not sit down and write this in an egghead fashion, in fact it's probably insane and assinine but hopefully you get the jist of it. in the usual heart-breaking twist though, i must additionally add that this logic can quite easily be applied to heart break, in the sense that we may not know that at this very moment we are someone elses life, their breath, their essence. and sometimes roads intersect, on the same plain for that sweet second in time, only to pass each other and never meet again. and you could be on the receiving end of the pain as well, seeing as we humans either give or receive ( in the purest and dirtiest of way). //////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////// also i'm not sure how i feel about sufjan stevens newest photo-musical-thing on the brooklyn-queens expressway known as BQE. it's either brilliantly ironic, or just plain retahded, i can't tell at this point but i'd like to see it. i'm not really a fan of his music sooo i dunno.... Current Mood: anxious (drown this city)
Saturday, November 3rd, 2007
6:55 am	One in Six Children will Flee in Boats it's (post) halloween time, and despite all the nifty disguises. misleading and shocking, the shortened days pave the way to the deathly winter winds. blistering and overwhelming. but the questions that begs to be answered is... what are you afraid of? we wouldn't ask (or even wonder for that matter) if we knew. Current Mood: calm (drown this city)